by delia Johnston » Sun Jun 06, 2010 12:33 pm
Where do I start? Like most Transsexuals I have known since a very early point in my life that something was wrong, but what, was always a complete mystery, younger readers will have to remember that life did exist before the everyday use of the internet and the wonders of the web. For me in my early teens the only way I could find out if I was the only one like this in the whole world was to visit the anything but friendly library and find some medical journal, which talked about transgender – the only problem was I did not what I was looking for or even what it was called - all I know was something was very wrong. I remember wondering why all of my male school friends where talking and dreaming about having girl friends and what they would do as and when they found one, and I was thinking that was not for me, this lead to me thinking was I gay (even thought it was not called that then). Life moved onwards to boarding school which was male only – and boy was it tough, no I mean very physically tough as beatings from prefects was an everyday event, until you became a prefect yourself, which I did at an early age for the school. Again the issue of blending in became a real problem as the prefect would sneak out to the local village and conduct raiding parties on the local females - except for me!
By now I had a pretty good idea what was wrong with me, I AM A TRANSVESTITE (how wrong that was to be for me), this was based upon the fact transvestites where regularly talked about, where as gender change was not, and there where articles in libraries for me to read, as long as pretended it was for school project!
So I followed the use path of becoming a male as much as possible and in fact becoming more male than most males I knew, like joining the TA, riding high speed motorbikes, getting drunk most weekends etc, with the only real difference is the lack of any relationships with females. But the inevitable was soon to happen, i.e. true love arrived, which was the most wonderful thing except when we first tried a romantic interlude, what a disappoint I became, as nothing happened on my side, and when I mean nothing I mean I could not even get excited – how sad was that! This was replicated on a few other occasions, to the point that I now really did avoid any sexual contacts with females, this opened up a massive self doubt about who and what I was. This I have since found out is replicated by others I have read about like me!
Fast forward to me thinking about marriage and finding the person I hoped I would spend the rest of life with (note the past tense - but that was 20+ years later). I tried to explain after we got married what I thought was wrong but got that SO wrong, as I was still at that point hoping I was a mere Transvestite and not anything else which I could and would not consider. We did however manage to produce children, but I not sure who was more surprised by that!
Fast forward again to a few years ago, and the full power of the internet and the web was now a complete reality, and during a bad period in our marriage along with career uncertainty, I started to look more via the web as to what was wrong, even if at that point I still refused to acknowledge the truth (read that as self survival), and having been to visit a number of medical professionals who were asked to help to find out why I was such a bad lover, (but please understand that I was now mentally refusing to except the inevitable, mainly as I was to terrified to think of the consequences of what the truth was).
Unfortunately the inevitable happened and we final got divorced, where my ex quoted my transvestite tendency as one of the main grounds for the divorce, but that is another story.
Moving on to 2009 and the first trip ever to Glastonbury, and for the first time I fully relaxed and chilled out, and on that Friday at the festival, I sat in the sun (yes it does) and basically cried for nearly two hours as I lifted the lid of Pandora’s box, and realised 100% who and what I am, and that I would now have to live that new life or not live at all. Which by the way, was something I did seriously contemplate for the next three plus months, until September 2009 (by birthday) where I had decided by arguing with myself was the only real option open to me now? So by December 2009 I sat down with my family (individual) and explained as best as I could what was going to happen to me. I did at this point very heavily rely upon one very close friend who was there for me nearly 24/7 (to you, so many thanks). By the end of 2009 (literally) being the 28th December I told my EX what was going to happen to me, and the 1st January 2010 I decided that was the start of my new life. This lead me to mid February where I legally changed my name and title, and from that point onwards started to close down everything with my old life and to start switching everything to the new me.
Over the next few weeks I started to tell all of my work contacts of the gender change with my now infamous phrase “some of you may know, some of you may have heard and some have no idea but I am now changing gender”. To date no one has run of screaming, in fact the opposite has happened as due to me being open on honest (for the first time) most people admired my courage and guts for doing this so openly.
During this year (2010) I started to meet some wonderful new professionals who have all become friend to me now, who have helped me on my journey from a introverted male into a new person - yet to be defined – work in progress.
Now I am totally convinced I want to help other to achieve the transition as smoothly and safely as possible, with me being there to help and advice based upon personal experiences and recommendations - i.e. been there and got the hat!
More to come as the story unfolds with Glastonbury 2010 just weeks away and my anniversary of the lid lifting of Pandora’s box!
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Oops I Guess that I should introduce myself first, as the owner and administrator of this forum.
. I know that as I enter my 43 year that things will have to change if I am going to be happy. I know I will cry a little with you and hope to laugh a whole lot more. Let's have some good old fashioned grrly chats, I hope that I can add something to this site. And a huge thank you to Val for taking the time to give me and us a place we can all hang out at, and really feel welcome. 
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