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My book project for Transgender Experiences

The place for your TG story - about yourself and past experiences, any contributions welcome and you can be as short or long in your writing as you like ...
WE WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR PAST ADVENTURES :D

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My book project for Transgender Experiences

Postby Val Marks » Fri May 21, 2010 9:49 am

The book project about the Transgender community and experiences of Tgirls around the globe.
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Re: My book project for Transgender Experiences

Postby Val Marks » Fri May 21, 2010 10:09 am

I have been working on compiling and publishing a book on the transgender community, those living through it and family members and friends. I have worked on this book for about 3 months now and at this point I am about 1/3 of the way their.

I wanted to ask if any girls wanted to contribute a story or article about their "stepping out" or transitition path - please either post your story in this forum topic or please email / PM me - if you can help me and contribute as it would help me enormously to have articles from Tgirls, TS, TV, CD, FTM & MTF transgender people around the globe. xxx

This is one of the story's already submitted by a Tgirl (MTF): (<name> replaces authors real identity)


I’m <name>. I’m on the other side of 30 and I’m a woman.

Up until March of this year, I would have only said one of those things.

Oh, I’m not a woman if you were to see me on the street, at my job, with much of my daily life. But trust me, I am.
This realization is something that was buried deep within me. Something I knew, but did not want to face. I knew since I was, oh, 11 years old. But….the message was made clear by an abusive stepfather and years of school socialization. Don’t hold your wrists that way. Don’t do this. Don’t be THAT. So…..I wasn’t. I buried it and tried to fit in. And I did…sort of. I was always an outcast, an outsider. I tried to do the things expected of me. Go to school. Get a job. Date women. The whole nine.

I did all of the above and was dating a woman in a situation that had the potential to be serious…or so I thought. She had other ideas, cheating on me. It tore me up, but in retrospect, it did me a favor. It gave me time to myself, time to think, time to be alone and then….

In February of 2009, I was at work on a Monday. I could not stop crying. I e-mailed a co-worker later that night and told her that I was gay. Thus started a year-long process of coming out to relatives and some friends while remaining closeted elsewhere. I began to feel comfortable with who I was and where I was…then this little voice spoke up and said, “You are NOT forgetting about me, are you?”

That voice was <name> ….and a sign that things were going to take an abrupt turn. Oh, if I were a gay man….that would be simple in comparison. I came to realize that <name> voice was my own. This started a whole second batch of coming out, replete with anxiety, fear and angst.

I worried that those who accepted me being attracted to men wouldn’t accept me being attracted to men as a woman
Thus far, I’ve been incredibly blessed again. The response has been nearly universally positive. My father and I were just reconnecting, due to other factors, when I came out as gay. He has been equally accepting of me as transgendered. He said he loved me as his son or his daughter and he also said, ‘If you find someone, I’d be proud to walk you down the aisle.” I said, “Back up the truck, Dad…I haven’t even dated a guy yet.”

I took small steps. Shaved off the goatee I’d had for over a decade. I started to buy makeup and some clothes. Forget square one. I was looking up at square one. Years of denial meant I had nothing, no wardrobe, makeup..anything. In short…you know how some girls purge? I cut out the middle man and just never bought the stuff in the first place. I’m still playing catchup, limited in part by the expense in starting from scratch , part because of my fear of shopping for myself in stores and part by the fact that my size makes buying certain things problematic.

For now one of the painful parts of this is that I won’t be able to look externally like I feel internally. But, as a female friend of mine told me, “Welcome to my world.”

Being a transgirl means I’m subject to the same pressures and issues that genetic girls deal with. There’s always someone prettier, someone thinner, someone presented some sort of industry standard of beauty and femininity. But I am who I am…and that is a woman who will still, eventually, project an attitude of confidence. I am a late-blooming trans-girl.

I am not someone who felt like a girl, acted like a girl, throughout childhood. But...I was your typical geek loner misfit. I never fit in. Ever. I had some feelings and thoughts of being feminine, wanting to be female. But I buried those thoughts.
Now, as I come to grips with who I am and admit my desire to be <name>, I also have to ponder this question -- How do I begin to think like a woman when, all my life, I've forced myself to 'think like a guy.'

I am feeling that I've been <name> all along. I've just been hidden inside the male name disguise. I am looking forward to making things match, to be able to be feminine and enjoy more feminine things and give that aspect of my personality room to roam

At the same time, looking back, I never liked dolls. I don't like a lot of chick flicks.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I grew up as <name>, even though she didn't have a name.

I was a girl. I was just really progressive in defying gender norms.
I have started attending trans support group meetings, one of the women there is full-time, transitioned and post-op for over a decade and she lives 30 minutes away, near a similar small town. She alone has given me hope that I can be myself here. Being isolated here has meant I’ve had to make do with other helpful people who..don’t live here. I’ve got a vast network of friends – gay, lesbian, queer, pan, mtf, ftm, the gamut, who have helped in differing ways to this point.

Moving forward, it’s been a series of reaching breaking points. I could no longer tolerate not admitting I was <name>. I could no longer tolerate not having <name> things. And…a big one, I could not tolerate one relative knowing.
I have one relative I could not dress as myself at home without them knowing, due to them living next door in a landlord/tenant situation.

There was a fear of losing the relationship with this person and the fear of being homeless. I wrote her a long letter…explaining the situation and my feelings. I gave her the letter…and promptly left the room and started crying ‘What did you do? What did you do?” She read the letter….silence. I came back into the room and….she was fine with it. So, over the last week or so, I’ve been able to dress at home when time allows…which means clothes and makeup (some good, some bad).

So….where does this all leave me at the moment. I am making progress. I have friends (although not many locally) and family who have been supportive.

But….
I am still very much in the closet. I haven’t left the house as my self…externally. I am still very much hurt by the fear of losing my job and facing discrimination or far worse in a heavily religious small town. I am still undecided of whether to come out here or not. I am saving up for counseling, which is a highly necessary next step for me.

I don’t know where this will all lead. But I know this much – My true self will not be buried completely and more than likely it will be known is my true self.

That is my dream and my mission as I hope to, one day, be truly happy for the first time in my life. :!:
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